Once Again...

woww...havent been back here for a long long time. I guess this is the place where it help me get through some down moments in my life. now nearly a year has past, i found myself back to square one once again.

It's painful. I am feeling it deep down in my chest. I have to take a deep breath to let some pressure out. I am not a freefall bawler. Couple mins of crying here and there..mostly deep muffled cries even there is no one around. I cant described the pain..but it is an really awful feeling. I don't know why i have this pain in my heart. It is not like I love him. I know for a while that things are not going to work out. I had made up my mind to break things off. But still, when it happened I had to try really really hard to keep up my front. once the door was closed, i couldn't help to let my tears rushing down my face. I don't regret the ending. I am just feeling... sad...about myself i guess. Another chapter in my life has ended.

Am I getting old and softy? I remember 3 years ago when I ended with my ex of 5 yrs, I felt nothing but relief. I didn't love him but i cared about him. So why am I hurting so much for someone I didnt have nearly as much of history with. A 10 month relationship is nothing compare 5 yrs. Its not like i feel more towards this newly ex. and its not like we had better time. yeah I am getting old. or is it because I feel left alone here in this new place with new job which i find not that exciting.

Dating really sucks! I am sooo tired. I need something or someone to cheer me up. but I cant bare the thought of going through dating and breakup again. The feeling of content is still a luxury to me. Will I ever feel that way?

I had a dream last night about one of my married friends who was 6 mon pregnant and didnt tell me. I woke up at 4am and couldnt fall back to sleep. its not about my friend, did i dream about her because I am envious of her? she has a good life. Happily married, a GREAT job, buying a new house, planning to have a child in the near future. things have been working out for her as it should be. she is rolling through the next phase of her life while i am still stuck at the ground zero of relationships.

Wierd Long Dream -Part Two

Dream continued: Then I was in an auditorium, a friend was singing karaoke on the stage. She was really good. But her face kept changing between my childhood best friend, and this new friend I recently meet (they are similar in some ways, both can sing well). And I want to sing too. I was looking through the CD to find the song I am good at. But the songs are all so new and I don't know any of them. I asked my friend to help me find them. I was rushing I didn't want people to wait too long. My friend's husband walked on the stage he started to change and getting ready to sing. I glanced at him really quickly and turn back to searching for my song from the stack of CDs. I was thinking to myself, good, he can buy me some time. When I turn back to look at him again, he wasn't on the stage but in a screen (like the ones in the movie theater) on the stage and he was in it, NAKED! As he walked closer, his image got bigger and I could see half of his privates (for the record, I have never saw or wanted to see my friend's husband this way. He is usually quiet around us). Everyone started to run out of the theater. And I stayed. I didn't want to be prudish like them. But some of them gave me this suppressed judgmental look.


My interpretation:
As I see my friends are settling down one by one, I feel the urge to jump on the "bandwagon". Especially with the holidays right around the corner, I feel alone and sad that I am not enjoying the holiday with a special someone. In my subconsious, I guess I feel like I have failed at the stage of life so do speak. And that I feel like I don't have much time left before no one would be interested to appreciate me (I think the scary big three O is starting to get to me).
As far as the naked friend, I am not so sure. There are couple of interpretations:
1. a death Omen
2, Naked truth
3. See through people and accept them for who and what they are

none of which really make sense to me. Also there are 2 other parts to this long ass dream(yeah i know! ), but I haven't really find out what they really mean yet. So as I look into them. I will post more... to be continued..

My Wierd Long Dream - Part One

My Dream:
I was in an apartment I used to live in as a child. Couple of my friends from college came to get me to go to the beach. So I changed to my navy blue 2-piece swimsuit, and found a white cotton dress to put over it. But right after I put on the dress, purple dyes started to appear on the dress (in real life, I used a tie-dye wrap-around once at the beach after I got out of the water, and the purple dyed stained my skin). I didn't want to ruin the dress, I took it off and was going to wash the dye off. As I took the dress off, I also saw yellow pee stains on the back of the dress. Then, my friend's husband walked in, probably from waiting outside for too long and wanting to rush us. I told him to give me a minute. And I rushed to the bathroom, got the soap started to wash the dress. And I noticed there are some pinkish orange crayon marks on it. I was confused. I didn't know where did they come from, but I didn't have time to figure it out. So I kept washing the stained spot. I got most of purple out, but it still have some purple left and the crayon markings were still there.

My interpretation:

An interpreter for Dream Central had said that it shows that I am trying to wash away a sin. That maybe true. Who haven't done a bad thing or two in their life? well maybe the Pope and Mother Theresa. I think that the dress is an image I am presenting to others. And maybe deep down, there are few things I would like to change.

Analyzing My Dream-1

Ok! Now that I am done with analyzing my friend's dream. It is only fair to start on myself. After all, I am the only one who knows myself the best. And plus this is very interesting and fun.

I dreamed that my flat-mate's lost rabbit Cadburry was running wild and I was trying to chase or catch it. Finally, I chased it into a peaceful sanctuary. I was happy that the sanctuary is huge and has lot of different yellow and white flowers and it had a new metal fence around it. I was relieved that Cadburry is going to be safe in the sanctuary. Cadburry didn't seem to know the difference between the outside environment it was in and the sanctuary. It started to eat the flowers. I was worry that someone is going to kick it out of the sanctuary. So I tried to stop it, but it kept running away from me. Finally, I caught up with Cadburry and found him eating this white flower from a hot pepper plant. I was trying to stop it from eating/swallowing the flower and telling it that the flower is spicy and worried it will choke to death from it.

My interpretation:
a. Cadburry has gone missing for over a month. I missed it and worried about its safety. However, I miss my cat more and I don't remember ever dreaming about him. And since dreams are more about the dreamer than the actual object in the dream, I think next point may be more of an accurate interpretation

b. The rabbit is me, the sanctuary is where I want to be a happy, safe and content life. I am somewhat running aimlessly in my life, feeling the need to settle down and be content and happy. I don't know how to get there, and maybe the only way is by trail and error. And I am worried that even if I get where I want to be, I will somehow damage my happiness unknowingly (rabbit eating the pepper flower without knowing that it is bad for its system).

c. According to some online definition of dream symbols,

" A dream of rabbits foreshadows that luck in your business enterprises will be immanent and other events will take a favorable turn in your direction. A dream of white rabbits foretell faithfulness of a lover, and to see them at play show children will increase your joy."(source: www.sleeps.com)

Cadburry was a white bunny with dark brown markings on its back. So it this was it, then is the dream telling me, something good is going to happen to me and then I may mess it up?

Dream Analyze

I have been reading someone's blog about analyzing her own dream. Very interesting, and I was surprised that she can remember all her dreams. So I did some net surfing on dream analyzing. I am going to do a practice on one of my friends' recent dream that involves me.

Her dream:
An overweight, pale, scared looking girl was running away from some scary looking dude who was trying to kill her. She went into a room and close the door behind. And the dude was pounding on the door trying to break in. When this was going on, I on the other side of the door (same side with the dude) doing my work, not being effected by the commotion at all. And the dude didn't bother with me either. Then I was on the phone, and was somewhat annoyed by the noises that the dude what making. So I opened my drawer and pulled out a gun and shot the dude over my shoulder without even looking at where he was. And then I carried on with my work..

My interpretation:

The fat girl -Even though my friend said that the girl in her dream looks nothing like her but I think she is her (someone she doesn't want to become). She had a little ordeal when she went to a fitting with 7 other bridesmaids for her best friend's wedding. She was the biggest girl in the wedding party and the could not fit the dress they had ordered for her. She felt horrible at the fitting and put herself on a strict diet which she succeeded. She always loves sweets and certain food that she would indulge herself in but feel guilty afterwards and worry about gaining it back.

Me- I represent a carefree person when it comes to relation ship. She always have tough time letting things go. She would get overly emotional at times. And have high expectations with everyone, even the people who are not her boyfriend. I in this respects are the opposite. Maybe she feels that if she can handle things more like me, then she wouldn't set herself up to be disappointed and hurt again and again

The dude - This is one I am having trouble with. At first, I thought it was represent men/relationship, that she is scared of them because they always end up hurting her. But after reading some articles on dreams, which said that everything in the dream is about the dreamer, I think it might represent her alter ego. A lot of times, her independent, strong self may play some part in which all her past relationship fails. Sometimes, she thinks its her other side ( the fat girl) is making her weak and believing in the crap men said to her. Her strong side wants to "kill" the weak side so she won't get hurt again. However, she also know if she let the cynical strong side completely take over, she would end up lonely and bitter.

My Hi-Tech Cat

I got my cat 4 years ago when I was in Kentucky. Since then, he has been travelling and house hopping more than his siblings I am sure. First he moved back to school with me in Central PA, then Philly, then south central PA, then moved to a friend's house while i was working abroad, then back to my house... but with the exception of me being absent from this country he had always been living with me. Unfortunately, he had to stay behind in Philly when I took a new job and moved to NY. I missed him terribly. I took tons of digital photo and digital films of him..and used to browse at them whenever i miss him. i know, i know, I am like this obsessed crazy cat lady. But I can't help it. Now since my parents have learned a few new "skills", i.e. communicating with friends and family via IM, they have equiped themselves with a webcam and microphone. So now whenver I miss my cat, my parents would just turn on the webcam and I would call his name through the mic. My cat would sometimes start rolling on the floor or start looking around for me when he heard my voice. He is soooooooooo cute...I want to give him a big hug and kisssssssssssss.

weekend date log

Ok there is the summary of my dating activities over this weekend. Arranged 4 dates, 2 of them no show. The other two were no connections. Better luck next time!

Date #1, made plans for Friday night several days before, he never called, tried calling his cell phone, but got the busy tone, crossed him off. ASSHOLE!!

Date #2, made tentative plans for sat lunch, he called in the morning, gave him directions. Had a good lunch date. Although not too attracted to his look, he is got some depth, AND he has chivalry. I don’t think that’s a pretend, temporary chivalry (u know, those kind gentlemanly gesture mysterious fade away after he got you). He is somewhat old fashioned in a good way. Not into the high tech internet chatting tool. I purposely mentioned I smoke for some reason I am not quiet sure. I think he mentally paused for couple seconds. He leaned in when we were done talking next to my car. I thought he came over to give me a goodbye hug so I hugged him back. But he said “oh I was just trying to open the door for u”. Not sure how I feel about him yet but sent him an email at night to thank him for the lunch. Have not gotten any response.

Date #3, met up for dinner and found out he is going through a divorced and has a 8 and a 10 year old daughters living in Canada, AND he is 44 not 36 like he told me before. Definitely do not want get into any of the mess. I am going to try to be a friend and that’s it.

Date #4, made a tentative plan to meet later at night, I told him to call me around 10pm. But he never did. He did sent me an IM around 7pm even though I told him I will be having dinner with friends. Not sure what the deal is it with this guy. Waiting to hear the BS excuse.

Holiday Blues...

I find myself acting really pathetically lately. Maybe I am starting to have a case of holiday blues. This depression manifests itself in how I act online.

Usually, I don't take the internet seriously. I take whatever that was said with a grain of salt. But lately I am letting more and more private chatter to get to the soft side of me. On more than one occasion, I found myself getting a little sucked in the “closeness” of the conversation. I am not talking about sexual topics. I am just talking about sweet, heart-warming feelings you normally get from real bf/gf. Isnt it pathetic that I cant find that in real life, that I am desperate enough to want any variations of that even if it is mostly delusions created by technology and self projection. Urghhhh….

Thankgoodness I am still calm and cool and happy on the outside.

Is sex just sex?

One of my chatters told me about his one time sexual experience with two men over the weekend. He claimed that he was drunk and horny; therefore he went through with it. Is sex really just the same no mater which gender performs it? Is sex just sex if a straight person is blindfolded and had no hearings?

I didn't ask too many details but here is the sum-up:
Bunch of them, all males were hanging out. He went back with two of them whom he had no prior working relationship (he just know them but never really talked with them before) knowing that there is a rumor about them being gay. Maybe he wasn抰 thinking too much under the magic of alcohol, I don't know. He was the receiver during the whole experience. He even received a full facial?and swallowed it when the one giving him anal sex started to climax and turn to his front. Now there is where I am puzzling. Now he must really be enjoying it otherwise why would he swallow another guy's cum? If he had never been or fantasizing being with a man before, wouldn't he be grossed out and sobered up by some dude's cum shoot at his face? And swallowing it? I don't get it? Is being drunk a good enough excuse?

He did admit although at first it was painful for him but later he enjoyed it. But he also acted though as if he was emotionally scared by it. Somewhere during the experience one of the guys made a comment ?you are not so tough now, aren't you?!?He wondered if him always being the tough guy had brought this upon himself. Could be. But according to him, no one else had known. No one else had approached him or made any insinuate comments. OK! So the two guys didn't want others to find out either because they were all in the military. But still, if they were out to humiliate him, wouldn't they somehow mention some of the crooked facts to their friends.

He confessed this experience to his girlfriend at the time. To his surprise, she was so turned on by it and wanted to hear every detail. She even wanted to go out and find a guy to have a MMF 3some. He refused. She then bought a strap-on, he also rejected. Ok I understand there is a big difference between a dildo and a real thing. But didnt he already take a big leap from taking someone's cock in his ass? So what is the big deal taking a dildo from your girlfriend? Was he afraid he might start liking it two much and turn bi?